Russian Orthodox Church Outside Russia (ROCOR)
You think most other Orthodox Christians are doing it wrong, and you're not especially good at pretending otherwise. You corrected someone's fasting rule at a potluck once and you'd do it again. You didn't leave your last jurisdiction so much as escort yourself out of it, on your way to something more serious.
You call this rigor. Other people call it being a little too enthusiastic about the Tsar, for someone born in New Jersey. Your priest deadlifts in his cassock and posts the video, and you consider this a leadership quality.
You didn't convert to Orthodoxy so much as convert to the version of Orthodoxy with the clearest chain of command.
And yet — underneath the posting, you actually keep the fasts. All of them, the hard way, without the modern workarounds, and you've been doing it long enough that it's not a discipline anymore, it's just Tuesday. Whatever you do with your prayer rule stays between you and God, which, given everything else, might be the most surprising thing about you. Say what you want about the rest of it — you're not performing this part.
ROCOR fits you because it was built by people who left rather than compromise, and it still runs on that same refusal — old calendar, long services, zero patience for anyone who thinks "keeping it simple" is a virtue. Somewhere in your parish there's Znamenny chant nobody outside can follow, a homeschool co-op that meets more than the local public school, and a table that will genuinely erupt over a calendar question you brought up on purpose.